The too often forgotten voices of birth families

The grief of losing someone who is still alive is impossible to describe. The pain lives with you every single day, it is the worst pain you could ever possibly imagine. My grandson might not physically be with me, but he is always on my mind. As a family, we celebrate his birthday every year. We all get together and go out for a meal; it’s hard looking round the table and him not being there. Each year that goes by is another year without him – he’s growing up and changing, developing through childhood stages and we feel left behind. My daughter still edits the baby pictures she has of him into our family photos, we know that there is someone missing from our family, and we feel it all the time.

My daughter was still a child herself when she fell pregnant at fourteen. It was a huge shock to me and our entire family, but we fully supported her and helped as much as we could. She wasn’t a bad kid. She is kind, loving and has a good heart but had suffered with mental health issues before being pregnant. As soon as she found out she was pregnant she started taking care of herself for the sake of her baby in a way she hadn’t been able to before. She found her strength for her growing child and always wanted the best for him. She wanted to raise her baby, determined to look after him and be a good mum. He was always loved from the very beginning of his life. 

My  daughter’s school had notified children’s services, and they became involved when she was just 3-weeks pregnant. I understand the need to safeguard and protect children and to make sure that the baby was safe and we cooperated at every stage and attended all the appointments they set up. My daughter and I both attended training sessions and assessments and did everything we could to show the baby would be well looked after. We tried to remain positive and show that it was in the baby’s best interests to stay with his family. It came as a complete shock that left us absolutely devastated when we were informed there was a plan to remove the baby after he was born. I just couldn’t understand how this was in his best interest when he had a whole family who loved and wanted him. We thought they would put more support in place to keep a mother and her child together.

My grandson was born on a Sunday and just 2 days later, on the Tuesday, my daughter had to appear via a video link in court to fight to keep him. She was suffering with sepsis after giving birth and was delirious and confused. She was shaking and in pain, with no understanding of what was happening when the earth-shattering news came that we didn’t win the court case. We had to say goodbye to my precious baby grandson in hospital. He was taken away while all his things that we’d got for him were left behind. Returning home without him but seeing his cot that we dreamed of putting him in was one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. We were surrounded by his belongings as a constant reminder but didn’t know when we’d next be able to hold him again.

I held my daughter as she sobbed and sobbed, crying out for her son. Afterwards, she was quiet and numb, struggling to understand how the life she’d grown for 9 months, her child, had been taken away. I wish there had been better support in place for my daughter while she was pregnant and maybe things would have been different. There is a stigma around people who have had their children taken away, that they’re bad people or that they don’t care about their children. That couldn’t be further from the truth. My daughter is a victim herself and she loves her child with all her heart. She has since gone on to have three more amazing children who she is a wonderful mum to. Children's services are not involved in their lives in any way as it’s understood the children are well looked after and cared for. It’s heart-breaking that she wasn’t given the chance to show this with her first child and that his three siblings haven’t had the chance to know him.

We found out my grandson was going to be adopted when he was 6 months old after he was initially in a fostering placement. While he was with his foster carers, my daughter got to visit him 3 times a week which was incredibly hard for her, but she was glad to still be a part of his life. Myself and other family members were also able to spend some time with him. It was amazing to be able to hold him, play with him and watch him grow. I remember cuddling him and whispering in his ear how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.

This sadly all changed once he was adopted. We were told that the wider family would no longer be able to see him. My daughter was only allowed to visit him once a year and exchange letters with his adoptive parents once a year. We’ve been waiting since April of this year for the letter that still hasn’t arrived, and his adoptive parents have stopped communications with the adoption agency. It kills me to be wondering if my grandson is okay, wondering what he’s doing and how he’s coping. The not knowing is the hardest part and I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone. We feel like we’ve been forgotten about while his life is moving on. He has a cousin who is the same age as him and asks about him all the time, it breaks my heart to not be able to say how he is and that they can’t know each other.

There has been little support for us throughout this horrific time. My daughter was given a leaflet after her child was adopted, as if that would provide any sort of comfort. The pain could take people to a very dark place. It is so isolating, yet we’re expected to just keep going on with our lives, when a huge part of it is missing. The whole family is hurting and grieving. I think birth relatives should be considered and consulted more throughout the adoption process. Not just for us, but for the child too. My grandson should know his biological family and we deserve to know him, to tell him how much we all love him and to know we have always wanted to be a part of his life. He is our blood and forever a part of our family, he will always be a part of me just as much as I’m a part of him.

I know that my grandson won’t return to us and as hard as that is to live with, we have all accepted and come to terms with it. We only want what’s best for him and believe his adoptive parents are looking after him and that he has a nice life, like he deserves. My biggest wish is that we could still be a part of his life. At the very least, we should know how he is doing and what’s happening with him. I would plea with any adopters to please consider the feelings of birth families and try to understand the panic and worry we feel when we’ve not had an update on our family member. Adopters need to know that the whole family is hurting. The pain never goes away. I dream of the day I might get to wrap my arms around my grandson again and tell him how much I love him, just as I did when he was a little baby.